I’ve wanted to be a professional athlete for as long as I can remember. I grew up thinking it’s the only logical career path, dreaming about playing in front of sell out crowds. First I wanted to be a soccer player, but at about 12 or 13 I realized basketball was my true passion. I went to a sport academy for 9th grade and high school, I went through the junior national team program in Finland. I wanted to come to the U.S. to play college basketball, and for years everything I did aimed solely on securing a Division 1 scholarship, with a professional career in mind after four years of college basketball.
I’ve always been extremely hard on myself. I used to think being emotional was the only way to show how much basketball means to me. I still think it holds true to a certain extent, but there’s a difference between crying in the locker room after a heartbreaking overtime loss and throwing a fit after missing three shots in a row at practice. A huge difference. All the basketballs I own are oval now because I used to kick them around the gym when something didn’t go my way. I would cry, I would slap myself, I would run to punish myself after a bad game or practice.
I still thought I was invincible. I thought depression was for the weak, there had to be something wrong in your head from the start. I never really gave much thought to my mental health, I took it for granted because I felt like I was never sad for long periods of time, I didn’t have a gene for depression, it could just never be a part of me.
I fulfilled one of my dreams when I came to San Francisco to play D1 basketball. I was so mature and experienced, having lived on my own for two years even before college. Or so I thought. A few weeks before my first season was slated to begin, my back got weirdly sore. Suddenly I had to be pulled out of practice, I couldn’t run or change directions. I’d had back spasms before, but this time they were more intense and didn’t go away. I got an MRI which showed a degenerated disc in my lower back.
I was in disbelief. I was suffering from something that usually affects older people, I was only 19, how could this be? I started rehabbing my back and tried to go back on the floor, only to get frustrated and sidelined again. I couldn’t travel with the team and felt isolated. The back pain got worse, I was barely able to bend over to wash my hands, let alone face. There wasn’t a clear timetable for my recovery, I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be able to return to the D1 level.
The physical pain shook my mind as well. I didn’t want to spend time with people or do anything in fear of my back flaring up again. At least that’s how I explained it, but I also just wanted to be by myself. My family came over for Christmas but I was so moody I couldn’t enjoy it and ended up being an absolute dick to them. I was scared, I wasn’t myself, I felt trapped in my own mind and I didn’t know what to do about it.
I tried to pretend like everything was okay, if only to numb my pain. I felt so lost and broken and alone yet I wasn’t able to express it. I didn’t think anyone cared. I was in so much pain mentally that I wanted to feel physical pain too. I actually hurt myself, in order to feel something, to get out of my zombie state.
My road to recovery begun when I was talking to a friend who got concerned and directed me to get professional help. That was a wake up call. I realized that I wasn’t just hurting myself, I was hurting my friends and family as well. Most importantly, I realized that despite me thinking nobody cared, I actually had dozens of people concerned about me. I didn’t want to be a burden to them. I got counseling and got better. A few months later people told me I looked and acted much happier, and at first I was confused because I didn’t think I was doing anything differently. But then it occurred to me that these people had seen me at my darkest, they had seen a version of me that I barely recognized, a shadow of my personality.
I’m not trying to fish for attention by telling my story. I want to raise discussion and awareness about mental health issues in sports. Athletes are supposed to be strong, tough, confident and unbreakable. There is no room for weakness at the top. Additionally, as a D1 player on a scholarship I’m in a position many little girls and boys dream about. I was one of those girls once! My guilt about this almost prevented me from getting help. I felt like I was being whiny, I felt like I couldn’t possibly break because I had it so good.
It’s possible to break. And you are not alone. There are countless athletes going through similar struggles and your status as an athlete shouldn’t take away the fact that we’re all human. Depression doesn’t ask you to fill out a form specifying social status or physical health. Being an athlete should never prevent anyone from seeking help. I’m not blaming anyone for what happened to me, I just think mental health issues need to be recognized in sports just like physical injuries.
I’m extremely thankful to everyone who helped me through this process. My story has a happy ending, but I’m speaking up for those who weren’t as lucky. I’m speaking up for those who are currently wrestling with mental health issues, whether it’s depression or something else. I’m speaking up for those who feel trapped, I want to say there’s a way out. I want to do my part in erasing the stigma of mental health in sports, I want to show that it’s something that athletes deal with just like everyone else.
I have two more years of college basketball left and I’m still dreaming about a professional career. I love basketball with a passion, but I’ve learned to balance it with my other commitments and to also think about life after playing. I like to think I’ve become a stronger person, strong enough to maybe help someone else. I’m not afraid to admit depression can strike anyone, it’s not a sign of weakness. But it can be dealt with, you can still become everything you ever wanted to. I want to share my story because I’m ready to talk about it if it helps someone else. It’s a part of me forever.
They always say your worst enemy stares back at you in the mirror. I couldn’t agree more. In those times it’s important to remember life is a team sport. I want to end by thanking my awesome support system one more time. Without you I wouldn’t be able to come forward about this very important issue. Thank you. Kiitos.